Hell is other people.

Pennies from Heaven.

2006-11-22T01:54:00.000-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the Order of the Phoenix preview.

2006-01-17T09:38:00.000-06:00

From Page Six:
OUTRAGEOUS actor/director Vincent Gallo wants to have your baby - and he's hell-bent on offending as many people as possible in the process.
Gallo made headlines in 2004 when he told PAGE SIX that he had put a "black-magic curse" on Roger Ebert to give him "colon cancer" after the critic panned Gallo's art-house bomb, "The Brown Bunny." Now, as if that wasn't tasteless enough, he's posted an ad on vgmerchandise.com, the "official site for Vincent Gallo merchandise" linked to his main Web site, in which he offers to sell his sperm for $1 million.
"Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions," Gallo writes. "Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration."
His site posting continues, "Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar."
Gallo describes himself thusly: "Mr. Gallo is 5-11 and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen 'The Brown Bunny' [in which Gallo appeared nude in a sex scene], you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy . . . I don't know exactly how a [well-endowed] father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.
"Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female."
We would have loved to let Gallo try to explain the incendiary statements in his online offer, but he did not return detailed e-mails requesting comment.

2005-12-28T23:24:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's been awhile. But I couldn't let this go unnoted.

Clearly, LA has better rocks than Laguna.

2005-11-17T11:52:00.000-06:00

From People Online:

Kimberly Stewart and MTV's Laguna Beach hunk Talan Torriero are getting married, the reality star's publicist has confirmed to PEOPLE. "He's engaged," according to Torriero's rep, Jack Ketsoyan, who says the pair have been dating for two months. Late Wednesday night, Stewart, 26, and Torriero, 19, showed up at an XBox 360 party at a private home in Beverly Hills, where Stewart showed off her 5-carat diamond Neil Lane engagement ring to buddies Paris and Nicky Hilton. A friend of Torriero's tells PEOPLE: "He told me he really likes her and they're having a good time." The 6'1" California-born Torriero – who excels at surfing, volleyball and football – was a junior in high school when he first shot Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County for the music cable network last year. In September, he told MTV News: "I'm doing an album, which is very exciting. ... I can't tell you what label I'm with, but it's a really big label push." He also said he was hoping to expand his career opportunities. "I've been acting since I was young," he said. "Now I get to take what I'm doing and what skills I have and use it to my advantage." Stewart, who is Rod Stewart's daughter, had been rumored to be replacing Nicole Richie on FOX's The Simple Life after a rift developed between Richie and costar Paris Hilton, but that plan never came to fruition. Last summer she got into hot water for comments she made in Blender magazine about Jennifer Aniston's looks, calling the former Friends star "homely," and opining: "It's not like she's gorgeous or anything." After Stewart read that Aniston's feelings were hurt by the remarks, Stewart told TV's Access Hollywood: "It made me feel awful, so I sent her flowers today and an apology."

Those bitches just never learn.

2005-11-16T14:16:00.000-06:00

From Gawker's sightings:

Jason and LC from Laguna Beach in my elevator at the Millenium just now, 1:45AM, making out. Yes, just us three. The she took a break to say “wow, this elevator thing moves fast” and he said “uh” - I felt like I was watching the show.

Near...far...wherever you are...

2005-11-14T22:34:00.000-06:00

We lose all the hot ones.

2005-11-12T23:43:00.000-06:00

From Perez Hilton:

Certainly the famously nude-and-drum-playing Matthew McConaughey never has fun with Craigslist either, though we were pleased to observe him a few years back late at night the lobby of a Milan hotel trying to score a three-way with a male buddy of his. Matty does like to have a good time, and what's wrong with that? His career's not doing too badly these days (OK, so we'll forget Sahara, even though it did some business), and now the New York Post's Page Six is reporting that People magazine is about to anoint the actor as its Sexiest Man Alive. Bongos, anyone?

And the pulitzer goes to...

2005-11-10T11:17:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's like crack in literary form.

So wrong.

2005-11-10T11:09:00.000-06:00

2005-11-09T20:41:00.000-06:00

So I've totally never watched Martha's Apprentice before tonight, but it was worth it for one line:
"Martha's a big fan of taxidermy [...] she's the biggest animal lover there is."

Wow, all the useless "famous" people hang out together. The apocalypse is coming.

2005-11-09T18:08:00.000-06:00

Via defamer:

TMZ.com captured video of Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos involved in an accident outside L.A. hotspot Element early Wednesday morning around 2:30 a.m. Also in the car were Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart’s daughter, and Talan Torriero, star of MTV’s “Laguna Beach.”
The video shows Stavros in the driver seat of a Bentley hitting a truck, causing damage to the car. After a few seconds, the car speeds away, NARROWLY missing a bystander on the street. Soon after, TMZ cameras spot the car pulled over by the police, with all occupants standing outside the vehicle. At one point TMZ captures on the tape Talan telling police “I’m the only sober one, let’s just go.” TMZ.com also captures Paris blowing a kiss to the cops as she says “We love the police.”
There is no evidence on tape that the police ever conducted field sobriety tests on the driver.

2005-11-08T16:04:00.000-06:00

From the guestbook of Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild:

And I'm speechless.

2005-11-07T00:43:00.000-06:00

That woman really is Satan. I knew it!

2005-11-06T23:23:00.000-06:00

From the National Enquirer (via Perez Hilton):

Star Jones Exposed
By PATRICIA TOWLE and PATRICIA SHIPP
The bizarre antics of TV diva Star Jones can be exposed in full for the very first time. The View co-host who was nicknamed Bridezilla after her gaudy wedding last year is so demanding she should now be known as FrankenStar, say insiders.
And, in the most personal investigation yet into the 43â€”year-old star, The National Enquirer can reveal she:# WANTS to turn banker hubby Al Reynolds into a househusband when they adopt a child because she is the big breadwinner# DEMANDS all her food cans are lined up in alphabetical order on her shelves with labels facing the front# INSISTS she didn't cheat when she quickly lost 150lbs and denies speculation she had gastric bypass surgery# HATES dogs, even though she bought a pooch named Pinkie to win favor with pet-loving fans.
"Star Jones is an example that hard-nosed greed and super-competitive ambition really are the best way to go," one of her critics grudgingly admitted. "She's so over-the-top in asking for what she wants that you actually have to admire her.
"Certainly she's not been afraid to set her sights on what she wants from life â€” and then grab it!"
Brought up in the projects of Trenton, New Jersey, Star overcame her humble roots to graduate from law school, pass the New York State bar exam and land a job in the Brooklyn District Attorney's office. After she first appeared on Court TV in 1991, there was no looking back.
She joined The View via NBC's Today show and when she began planning her November wedding last year, she quickly became known as Queen Of The Freebies. The first-time bride appeared to set about getting as much as she could for the least amount of money. She plugged her wedding planner, photographer and travel companies on the air and on her website, reportedly in return for their free participation.
One of Star's friends said: "She actually models herself on royalty â€” she wears a tiara whenever she can. Star loves being larger than life."
Tongues were also wagging at the rapid way Star shed weight.
"Star has now lost 150 lbs â€” and it happened so fast I don't think she could have shed it the conventional way through diet and exercise," said an insider.
"Her diet still consists of a lot of junk food. Only she eats smaller amounts than before. I think that's what has led to speculation that she had a gastric bypass.
"She admits to a breast reduction â€” but says she never had her stomach stapled."
Her hubby's sexuality has also been a big talking point.
"There had been gossip about Al being gay before they wed," said the insider. "The news they may be adopting a baby â€” and Al will be a stay-at-home dad â€” has people wondering about those rumors." The source said that behind the scenes Star can be a nightmare to live with. "She's obsessed about the way she looks and the way her $2.25 million dollar condo home looks.
"All the canned goods in her kitchen have to be lined up with the label facing out, and in alphabetical order. And each time a bottle of chilled Cristal champagne is taken from her refrigerator, it must be replaced right away."
Star can reinvent herself on a regular basis, said the insider. "She even drags a little dog named Pinkie to events where she knows she'll be photographed. It's an effort to appeal to pet lovers â€” even though she always said she hated dogs and cats," the insider added.
A spokesperson for Star said: "We make it a point to not comment on ridiculously untrue stories."

Actors heart crack, too.

2005-11-04T19:19:00.000-06:00

From the premiere of Walk the Line:

Out of the blue, Phoenix suddenly changed the subject, asking, “Do I have a large frog in my hair?”
Reporter: No, no.
Phoenix: “Something’s crawling out of my scalp.”
Reporter: No, you look great.
Phoenix: “No, but I feel it. I’m not worried about the looks. I’m worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten. … What did you ask me?”

Yay!!!

2005-11-04T14:48:00.000-06:00

The Fug Girls are always amazingly entertaining. But today, they made me really, really happy. How, you ask? By referring to the best show ever: Footballers Wives (I tried to properly spell it, with dollar signs for the "s", but it looked confusing). Seriously, please read this. And then go Tivo every episode. It's like crack, but better.

Almost as good as the real thing.

2005-11-04T11:11:00.000-06:00

Remember the Ashlee Simpson item of yesterday and how badly I wanted to witness it? Well...there's VIDEO. Yeah. Happy weekend.

I only like painfully easy blind items.

2005-11-04T10:55:00.000-06:00

From Page Six:

WHICH splintered celebrity duo's friendship ended when one of them told the other's parents that her friend had a serious drug problem and needed help? When the concerned parents asked their daughter if it was true, she lied and claimed that her well-meaning best buddy was the one who was abusing drugs. The folks then ordered their darling daughter never to hang out with the friend again. The friend, infuriated by the betrayal, continues to seethe about it to this day . . .

Why Was I Not There? Why God, Why?

2005-11-03T18:10:00.000-06:00

From Perez Hilton:

Apparently, Ashlee Simpson went batshit crazy at McDonald's in Canada:
Employee: "I need a manager up front please!"
Ashlee: "Oh, please bring the manager. I would love to talk to the manager."
Employee: "Get off there."
Ashlee: "BITCH, DON'T STOP ME, I'M NICE."

Scariest Halloween Costumes EVER.

2005-11-03T14:39:00.000-06:00

No wonder his ATM card has been declined lately.

2005-11-03T10:49:00.000-06:00

From The Lowdown:

A track titled "Y'all Ain't Ready" - from Mr. Britney Spears' as-yet-unreleased hip-hop album - has hit the World Wide Web.
In the song, the 27-year-old father of three boasts about his status-heavy marriage, his notoriety and his sales ambitions, and even demands that we call him, well, "Daddy."
To wit: "Back then they called me K-Fed/ But you can call me Daddy instead."
Over a crude beat, Daddy raps: "Go ahead and say whatcha wanna/I'm gonna sell about 2 mil, oh, then I'm a goner ... I know you all wish you was in my position/Cause I keep gettin' in situations that you wish you was in, cousin ... Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue ... Getting anxious? Go take a peep/ I'm starrin' in your magazines now every day and week ... But maybe baby you can wait and see/ Until then all these Pavarottis followin' me."
To be fair, "paparazzi" is a very difficult word to pronounce if you're an unemployed backup dancer from Fresno.

There needs to be some sort of committee that prevents rich people from doing their own shopping.

2005-10-31T22:27:00.000-06:00

2005-10-31T12:04:00.000-06:00

From Rush & Molloy:
Vincent Gallo's sperm is for sale on eBay.com for a starting bid of $1 million, according to a recent post on the Web site. The seller, who claims to speak for Gallo, is looking for a blond, Jewish woman to bear his child, because "this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar." …

2005-10-23T21:50:00.000-05:00

You mean the OC is fictional? My life is over.

2005-10-21T23:44:00.000-05:00

Wow. There aren't words for this level of rage. I officially concede.

My gift to you.

2005-10-21T11:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, readers.
You've stuck with me, even though the gossip's been thin. So now, I have a little present. I present, before their questionable debut in People, the photos of Cheeto Manpri Federline:

Photo courtesy of http://tangiblebrit.com

You know, I'm just impressed that she's actually literate.

2005-10-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

2005-10-14T18:08:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Ben Affleck. I like to do borderline homoerotic things for attention. Please love me.

Hope you haven't eaten recently...

2005-10-12T21:42:00.000-05:00

From Radar Online:

The hot-blooded stars on E!’s Kill Reality series are supposed to be filming a horror movie, but the scenes backstage may be more fitting for a triple-X booth. While their on-screen debauchery has already earned the series impressive ratings, a source close to the show claims the real reality action took place at the stars’ communal Malibu beach house.
“The whole cast was drunk or wasted throughout the taping, and everyone was having sex with everyone else,” says the insider. “Not only were there orgies, but at one point someone relieved himself on Trishelle [Canatella, of Real World: Las Vegas and Playboy fame] in full view of the cameras—and, from what I saw, she loved it.” In another booze-fueled bacchanal, we hear Tonya Cooley, the lusty blonde of Real World: Chicago fame, begged co-stars to do lines off her genitals “because it turns her on.”
On a more romantic note, true love somehow managed to blossom between the strung-out participants. While viewers might be charmed by Survivor reject and internet porn star Jenna Lewis’s none-too-shy courtship of Real World: Las Vegas alum Steven Hill, we hear the relationship on everyone’s lips was the one between Kill Reality’s only gay star, Reichen Lehmkuhl of The Amazing Race 4, and American Idol’s Clay Aiken. While Aiken never appeared at the house, we hear Lehmkuhl was constantly taking calls from the pixie-like singer.

AAAAHHHHH!

2005-10-12T16:33:00.000-05:00

It has become increasingly obvious that the actresses of Sex and the City need screenwriters for their everyday lives.

Is it just me, or did she sprout this bump overnight?

2005-10-12T16:15:00.000-05:00

2005-10-11T12:38:00.000-05:00

And now, your moment of zen.

WTF?

2005-10-03T14:34:00.000-05:00

From People.com:

Nicolas Cage and his wife, Alice Kim, welcomed their first baby, a boy, born Monday morning. Kal-el Coppola Cage was born in New York City, Cage's publicist, Annett Wolf, tells the Associated Press. "They are healthy and happy and it's quite lovely," Wolf says. As it turns out, Kal-el is the comic-book birth name of Superman on the planet Krypton. The name Coppola, however, is Cage's family name. His uncle is the director Francis Ford Coppola.

Doesn't she know that a divorce gets way more publicity than calling off an engagement?

2005-10-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

From People.com:

Not wanting to make a "mistake," Paris Hilton called off her engagement to her Greek shipping heir boyfriend Paris Latsis, just four months after he had popped the question.

Boo. I was looking forward to the tacky-fest that would be their wedding.

Welcome to the OC, bitch.

2005-09-29T14:21:00.000-05:00

Back in Florida from my wonderful California sojourn (thanks, Rhach), just in time to buy a new TIVO (I had to replace the one stuck in New Orleans because it is apparently impossible for me to function without the tivo) and catch The OC.
And speaking of the best show on television, gawker has come up with the world's greatest description of Josh Schwartz's masterpiece:

Fox’s heavenly cracktard drama

2005-09-14T23:08:00.000-05:00

In Los Angeles, visiting and spending my FEMA money. I only spent $150 at the Tod's outlet, so just shut up.
Back in a couple weeks.

I love when the newsmedia gives people with less than a high school education the national stage. Pragmatic? Yes. Grammatic? Notsomuch.

2005-09-13T06:10:00.000-05:00

From Rush & Molloy:

Master P is down with his man Prezzie B.
Breaking ranks with many in the African-American community, the Louisiana rapper is blasting Kanye West for saying that the President "doesn't care about black people."
The pragmatic P., who lost his home to Katrina, tells AllHipHop.com: "I think that if Kanye West [felt] like that, he needed to wait, 'cause I got people in my community dying right now.I got kids lost, I got parents lost, I got people got nowhere to go back to right now, so we need the government. We gon' need the President."

Are you trying to imply that I shouldn't use my FEMA money for shopping in Los Angeles?

2005-09-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

From Gatecrasher:

Profiteering ghouls have been using debit cards distributed in the wake of Hurricane Katrina - intended to buy essentials for evacuated families - in luxury-goods stores as far away as Atlanta.
"We've seen three of the cards," said a senior employee of the Louis Vuitton store at the Lenox Square Mall in affluent Buckhead, who asked not to be named. "Two I'm certain have purchased; one actually asked if she could use it in the store. This has been since Saturday."
The distinctive white cards were distributed by the Red Cross and the Federal Emergency Management Agency and carry a value of up to $2,000.
"It doesn't say anything on the card other than alcohol, tobacco and firearms cannot be purchased with it," the store employee told me. "There's nothing legally that prevents us from taking it, unfortunately. Other than morally, it's wrong."
The source told me that the two women who had made purchases with the card each bought a signature monogrammed Louis Vuitton handbag in the $800 range.
"They didn't look destitute by any stretch. You would never have said, 'They must be one of the evacuees.' … The one that I dealt with yesterday was 20. She'll be 21 next month." The source described the reaction of other store-keepers in the mall - which includes luxury brands Ferragamo, Burberry, Judith Leiber and Neiman Marcus - as "outrage."
"It doesn't say anywhere on there, but it would have to be a good amount to be shopping in here," the source said with a dark chuckle.

Why worry about the suffering when you can just point and laugh at Jeff Spicoli?

2005-09-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

From Rush & Molloy:
Douglas Brinkley, the presidential historian who teaches at Tulane University, was at Penn’s side. “There was never a leak,” he tells us. “The boat was overloaded with people. It got some water in it, as boats usually do. “I witnessed him rescuing up to 40 people,” says Brinkley, who was assigned by Rolling Stone editor Will Dana to write about New Orleans’ recovery. “He was up to his waist in toxic muck …. I’m not going to comment on Sean’s trips to Iraq or Iran, but in this case, he was an American hero.”
From Defamer:
We’re relieved to know that Penn’s mission was a success—it’s refreshing to see someone of his stature personally [Ed.note—Personally.] saving people without vitamins and an e-meter—but we’re a little hung up on the logisitcs. If the boat was “overloaded” with crew at launch to a point that tested its buoyancy, where did they put their floodwater refugees?

PS: This gives me such faith in the faculty of my alma mater.

What I Wish My English Major Had Given Me.

2005-09-07T00:47:00.000-05:00

From: Dave Eggers (humorlessfuck@aol.com)
To: Mary Porter (mporter23@americorps.gov)
Subject: Re: Volunteer Application
Dear Ms. Porter,Thank you for applying for a volunteer position at 826 Valencia. Unfortunately, upon review of your application and some discussion with associates in the kitchen of a woman who has seventeen great-grandchildren, we learned some details of your past opinions that were, to say the very least, unsettling. To wit:
- In September of 1992, your Honors English teacher (now a friend of mine) confiscated a notebook from you, upon which was written "Moby Dick Sucks."
- In July of 2001, on an extremely obscure McSweeney's-fan message board which, at its height, boasted 6 members, all of whom were shut-ins, you stated the following: "I love Dave's writing, but his public persona is beginning to distract me from it. He should shut his big fat mouth and get back to that book about whales he keeps promising us."
- In May of 2002, you went on a date with Todd Pruzan, a very decent human being, and never returned his phone calls.
A person's character is shown by his or her actions. Through these actions, you have shown that you are a cynical, pessimistic person who seeks to tear down other writers and we at 826 Valencia would be doing our students a great disservice if we allowed an insincere, un-genuine, ironic teacher to guide them. Feel free to stop by for all your pirate supply needs, however.
Sincerely As Always,Dave Eggers

From: Dave Eggers (humorlessfuck@aol.com)
To: Vendela (vendividivici@aol.com)
Subject: Re: Fwd:: THIS IS NOT JUNK LETTER. BILL GATES IS SHARING HIS FORTUNE.
We should totally do this. If we forward enough of these, Bill Gates will pay us $250 a pop for each forwarded email. This could probably fund the mass pulping of How We Are Hungry..

From: Dave Eggers (humorlessfuck@aol.com)
To: Judas (nealpollack@yahoo.com)
Subject: Exile from the kingdom.
Neal,I am writing this e-mail to tell you that I will never write you an e-mail again. Also, I was deeply disappointed to see where you recently quoted me in your interview with The Twin Cities Shopper as saying that “human beings are carbon-based life forms.” If you remember correctly, Neal (and if not, there are several witnesses prepared to back me up), the full statement was, “Human beings are carbon-based life forms made up of approximately 60% water.” I think you - and any fair observer - can see the vast differences in those two quotes. I've sent an angry, self-important letter to the paper. I expect a full and forthright apology immediately.
Best,Dave
P.S. I'm never e-mailing you again. Seriously.

From: Dave Eggers (humorlessfuck@aol.com)
To: Viggo Mortenson (barefootbard@newline.com)
Subject: There are some things you should keep to yourself.

P.S. But especially the poetry.

From: Dave Eggers (humorlessfuck@aol.com)
To: The Eggskateers (eggersacolytes@mcsweeneys.net)
Subject: Re: Fwd: Unsatisfactory feedback on your recent eBay transaction.
Hmm. So. Given the without-a-hitch-ness of my most recent auction, the feedback was, for balance, to be expected. Um. Not everything went as planned. To wit:
- As you may or may not know, we had placed up for auction a set of DVDs containing the entire first season of America's only truly great situation comedy, “Sanford and Son.”
- While we bow to none in our admiration of this series, we want to emphasize that the set in question had never been opened. Ever. Oddly, we received duplicate copies from different admirers on the same day.
- So we decided to auction it off on ebay, hoping to use the funds obtained to purchase more pirate and pirate-related material. Assuming the item would generate a large number of bids, we set no reserve. Which was okay, but prevented us eventually obtaining the price we had in mind when we decided to sell the thing in the first place.
- One strange and unfortunate thing: In this particular auction a bidder known - even through his feedback ranking - for asking impertinent questions and generally making a nuisance of himself - quickly became the high bidder on the item. This bidder had been for a week or so poking around, e-mailing people with some association to me, by all accounts -- and true to the nature of his particular bidding practice -- in an effort to determine whether or not them item would play on all region DVD players or was only Region 1 (NTSC).
- This bidder's presence was upsetting, to me and to many of the auction participants. You see, when people bid on this item, many of them have experienced things very similar to the events that transpired on the program. For example, a bidder in his early thirties related how he had worked in a junkyard for several years. Another young woman had, just a year before, watched her father fake a heart attack while yelling, “I'm coming, Elizabeth!” The stories are incredible and wrenching, but are welcome. That's much of the point of an eBay auction -- meeting people who have been in whatever way affected by the item you've put up for bid, and talking to them about why and how. And essential to this transaction is the privacy of the attendee/sharer of similar experience.
- The problem was, during this particular auction, this bidder was hovering, after every bid, busily peppering the auctioneer with questions like, Is the security tape on the case still intact? At one point, while a woman was relating her disappointment with Redd Foxx's later series “The Royal Family”, the bidder so quickly and feverishly interjected with a question concerning the bonus material on the DVD, that all I could do was ignore his question, hoping he would take in the message implied and allow some privacy. He did not. He was subsequently asked by a friend of mine pretending to be an eBay employee to leave the auction, or at the very least raise the amount of his bid. He did not. It became a very icky scene, and carried on until well after the auction was complete.
- It's very hard to express how unsettling it all was. Such a contrast, between these kind and open bidders, happy to pay a $5 shipping and hanfling fee even if we do send the discs via media mail, and this high bidder, who not only won the bid but left me negative feedback, imperiling my good eBay name. It was very creepy. Wow was it creepy.
- Still, I want to thank all those who bid, and hope that despite the obviously misleading feedback “Item arrived packed in yellowed press reviews of You Shall Know Our Velocity, the negative portions of which contained handwritten rebuttals. Case was cracked and security tape was missing.” you will continue to bid on our merchandise; there's a Jolly Roger flag we've got our eye on, and those things don't come cheap.

From: Dave Eggers (humorlessfuck@aol.com)
To: Gunberg (gunberg@giganticcocks.com)
Subject: Re: want to make ur tool real big 2340fejkbsdksf
Yes, I am interested in penis enlargement. VERY interested.

Sweet justice.

2005-09-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

2005-09-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

From Page Six:

HIS intentions may have been noble, but Sean Penn's Hurricane Katrina rescue boat just wasn't sound enough to help those in New Orleans. Penn had planned to rescue children waylaid by Katrina's flood waters, but apparently forgot to plug in a hole in the bottom of his vessel, which began filling with water seconds after its launch the other day, reports the Melbourne Herald Sun. The star was seen wearing what appeared to be a white flak jacket and frantically bailing water out with a red plastic cup. When the motor didn't start, Penn and his entourage — including a personal photographer — were forced to use paddles to propel themselves down a flooded street. Asked what he had hoped to achieve in the submerged city, Penn replied, "Whatever I can do to help."

2005-09-06T00:42:00.000-05:00

From Craigslist New Orleans:

Philly PI wants mo displaced bitches - m4ww
Reply to: anon-95645718@craigslist.orgDate: 2005-09-05, 11:04PM CDT
Fly ass PI .....you out of pocket? Be my bitches.... bitch of the week gets props...2005 benz(use only) ......2 day atl city holiday holla at my email with real pics and cell number...
this is in or around philly
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
95645718

2005-09-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

From Variety via Defamer:
Louisiana’s film and TV office reaches out to Hollywood: “It’s a beautiful day in Baton Rouge…Unless you’re shooting a film called ‘Hurricane,’ you won’t want to come to New Orleans, but we have 54 other parishes.” We’re all relieved to know that those tax incentives were evacuated from New Orleans in time.

2005-08-30T22:20:00.000-05:00

Since my city has become the new Atlantis, there will be no posts for the foreseeable future. At least not until Angelina Jolie adopts a Katrina baby.

2005-08-25T22:06:00.000-05:00

From Page Six:
1. AN after-hours orgy erupted at celebrity chef Mario Batali's Bistro Du Vent last week, resulting in the firing of four staffers, PAGE SIX has learned.
The randy sex romp between an openly bisexual waitress, a male chef, a female manager and a waiter was captured on the West 42nd Street restaurant's surveillance cameras, which feed to a monitor right next to the host's stand.
We're told that the oversexed staffers were boozing it up at the bar after closing when things got physical.
Our snitch, who saw the steamy surveillance footage, says the X-rated action took place "on the bar top, down to the floor, on top of the banquettes — chef on waitress, manager on waiter, waiter on waitress, all four tangled up in one bunch."
But apparently the night porter caught a glimpse of the freaky festivities, and told the incoming dishwashers and busboys that morning on his way out. They, in turn, tattled to the waiters and waitresses, who all crowded around the host stand monitor and watched the orgy unspool, freeze-framing it at points for maximum enjoyment.

2. WHICH sexy songbird is getting much more than security from her two massive bodyguards? . . . WHICH hip-hop producer's wife discovered him having a torrid affair with a man-eating indie actress? The rap royal's wife has been phoning in death threats to his mistress for weeks . . . WHICH cable star has a gambling problem? The youngster, who has had brushes with the law in the past, is a regular at several illegal, all-night poker tournaments around town . . . WHICH skirt-chasing actor recently performed a lewd act in front of a comely young lass he met at an L.A. nightclub?

2005-08-24T18:35:00.000-05:00

The new terrorist alert system.

2005-08-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's been awhile. That's what happens when you start law school. The other parts of you die. But I have to keep this going, if only for my own sanity, so I'll keep it brief. From now on, only things that comment on themselves, really, because it takes too much energy to be snarky. I have two, to apologize for the absence:

1) Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed that he is much older than the forty three years he has spent in his present body. Tom Cruise noted that he is “old beyond reckoning.” What’s more, his current life is “probably one of the least satisfying” he has led. […]Cruise said he became aware that he “had been here before,” when he read the complete works of Shakespeare in a month, despite being dyslexic, not long after dropping out of high school.“Shakespeare was deja vu for me,” said Tom Cruise. “It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That’s why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making “War of the Worlds” and all those other great movies can’t compare to writing “Romeo and Juliet” or the sonnets.

2)

And no, I have no idea why it says Perez Loves Jude, but I think it really adds a little something.

2005-08-04T13:08:00.000-05:00

From Rush and Molloy:

Sony Pictures may owe you. A Los Angeles Superior Court judge has ordered the studio to pay $1.5 million to settle a class-action lawsuit accusing Sony of using raves from a make-believe critic in several movie ads. The suit charged that critic "David Manning of The Ridgefield Press" never existed. Anyone who saw "Vertical Limit," "A Knight's Tale," "The Animal," "Hollow Man" or "The Patriot" during their original runs is eligible for a $5-per-ticket reimbursement ...

Wow, I just earned $25. And that's pretty fucking sad.

2005-08-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

For once, the headlines capture the whole story.

2005-07-27T16:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know I've been gone for ages. But setting up a new apartment is a real bitch. So is living without cable. But that's all in the past now, and I'm here to offer you my penance:

2005-07-13T13:47:00.000-05:00

From PopBitch:

Backstage at Live8 Ricky Gervais was at the side of the stage. Paris Hilton walked up to him and said how much she liked his stuff.
Ricky: "Have we met before?"
Paris: "Yes. I'm Paris Hilton"
Ricky: "Oh, sorry Paris, I didn't recognise you without a cock in your mouth."

Back in black, folks. I'm back. At least until Emily hits.

2005-07-08T07:59:00.000-05:00

There may not be posts for a little while. Just so you know.

2005-07-06T10:27:00.000-05:00

See below.

2005-07-06T10:26:00.002-05:00

See below.

2005-07-06T10:26:00.001-05:00

See below.

2005-07-06T10:26:00.000-05:00

See below.

2005-07-06T10:25:00.000-05:00

The subtitles in these screenshots from Whit "Crack is Whack" Houston & Bobby "They Say I'm Nasty" Brown haven't been altered. They're just too good already.

2005-07-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

From PopBitch:

Katie Holmes is an anagram of "Tom Likes A He".

Yes.

2005-06-29T13:44:00.000-05:00

From The Scoop:

Britney Spears’ wedding was a low-rent affair, but it looks like she’s putting on the ritz when it comes to giving birth.
The singer has selected a luxurious room in a Scottsdale, Arizona hospital where she’ll have her baby, according to a report, and has made sure the rooms on both sides will remain vacant.
“Britney wants white and yellow roses in the room when she gets there,” a source told the upcoming issue of the Star.
What’s more, “Britney wants all the nurses serving her to be given background checks.” The staff will reportedly be interrogated by both hospital staff and Spears’ mom. And, of course, there’ll be catered food.

White and yellow roses? What, so she can throw them at people? Does she really think that giving birth is tranquil and peaceful? She's so naive, you almost have to feel sorry for her. Almost. Until the schadenfreude kicks in.

2005-06-29T13:43:00.000-05:00

From Ananova:

Super-skinny star Lindsay Lohan prompted yet more fears for her health after she reportedly collapsed at her LA gym.
The Mean Girls star was halfway through an hour-long spinning sesh when she became pale and began gasping for breath.
She stumbled off her bike and then collapsed, say Heat magazine.
"Everybody was shocked," one witness said.
"Lindsay wasn't moving and she appeared to be unconscious."
Thankfully her quick-thinking gym partner Kimberly Stewart and staff at the LA's Body and Soul gym soon brought her around.
The drama ended after a few minutes, when a pale and woozy Lindsay assured onlookers she was fine.
But the incident has sparked fears that her fitness regime was dangerous for her health.
In the last six months, the Freaky Friday star has been losing weight dramatically.

I called it; I so called it.

2005-06-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

From Rush & Molloy:

Hip-hop and Hollywood playas are ducking for cover now that everyone's favorite fly girl is telling all. After intensive vetting by lawyers, HarperCollins has gone to press with Karrine Steffans' "Confessions of a Video Vixen."
Widely known as "Superhead" (no doubt because of her large cranium), Steffans doesn't hold back when it comes to dishing about her famous lovers. The video-eye-candy-turned-author claims:
Shaquille O'Neal "was charmingly self-effacing about his sexual prowess and wanted to reduce my expectations," she writes. But "compared to other men," she assures readers, "he was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.
A small part in "A Man Apart" allowed Steffans to discover that star
Vin Diesel was "a beautiful man ... blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep]."
After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him ... felt like a privilege."
Sex with "insatiable" producer Irv Gotti "became more like a boxing match." During their affair, Steffans claims, Gotti lent her to his friends as he saw fit.
After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average." Ouch.
Steffans says she got around to Whitney Houston's husband, Bobby Brown, in late 2002. Steffans says she never saw him do drugs. But she worried for his mental health during a frantic encounter where "he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him."
She made Ja Rule promise to "always come back." But after he slipped out one morning before she woke up, "I looked around for something to take with me, something that would smell like him but wouldn't be missed. On the floor I found a balled-up sock, and I placed it to my face and got the fix I was searching for." Sniff.
Steffans also tells the whole story of her back-of-the-limo tryst with Usher.
None of the stars' reps we called yesterday responded by deadline. Their handlers can at least take comfort in knowing that, after years of self-destructive star-chasing, Steffans now says, "I am my own woman and look for no one to complete me."

She sounds really healthy.

2005-06-28T10:06:00.000-05:00

From Rush & Molloy:

Still more evidence against reports that Demi Moore suffered a miscarriage. The fuller-looking actress and beau Ashton Kutcher looked happy among mommies at the Environmental Media Association's show of eco-friendly cribs, baby furnishings and clothing in Santa Monica on Sunday. ...

Eco-friendly baby things? Please God, someone take some of that money from those crazy people.
There should be a law against people like this procreating.

2005-06-28T10:02:00.000-05:00

From Page Six:

COULD there be a little bundle of Jolie on the way? Hollywood insiders are buzzing over whether blockbuster Tinseltown couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting a baby from their high-profile fling. "She's just in her first trimester," one well- placed industry source told The Post's Braden Keil in the Hamp tons over the weekend. "Obvi ously, they're keeping everything very quiet." Jolie's spokesman, Geyer Kosinski, did not return numerous calls and e-mail inquir ies yesterday. Meanwhile, Star magazine speculates the next step in the couple's blissful relation ship "might not be so easy to hide." Jolie said in 2002 that she preferred adoption when she and then-hubby Billy Bob Thornton adopted Cambo dian infant Maddox, now 3. "Angelina is very giv ing," a source told Star. "If she thinks it will make Brad happy, she probably won't hesi tate." In the latest W magazine, Pitt is photographed with Jolie in a 60-page lay out of cozy 1960s-style family shots.

So that explains the new set of family skydiving pictures...I get it now.

2005-06-27T19:27:00.000-05:00

Via Gawker:

June 24 - I went to the Loews Cineplex on Third Ave. with my friends to see Cinderella Man. About 5 minutes into the movie Heath Ledger and some woman who was definately not Michelle came in to the theater and sat in front of us. They made out heavily for most of the movie. I guess Heath thinks a dark movie theater is a good place to cheat on his pregnant girlfriend. He should know by now that wearing that same green hat everywhere is not the best way to go incognito.

Yes, finally some gossip that's actually good. We've been in a month-long Katie-and-Tom dry spell.
Also:
Sometimes, something completely random you come across on the internet makes your day. This gem made my month.

2005-06-27T19:22:00.000-05:00

Are there even words for something like this? Apparently only in German.

2005-06-23T22:27:00.000-05:00

Apparently, fastening a button is now a feat of strength too taxing for Lindz's "puberty"-shrunken muscles. She's got such a rough life. And you just know that bitch in the black gets $90,000 a year and all the coke she could ever do for performing such a valuable service.

2005-06-23T00:47:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
For the love of Christ, get that child braces STAT! It's not like they can't afford it.
Also, I know that celebrity children don't go to real school, but I mean, come on--every kid should put up with the silly dental education they give you so that children everywhere actually learn to use the complicated device we mortals refer to as a toothbrush.

2005-06-22T08:40:00.000-05:00

From The Scoop:

In interviews with the national guards who have been watching over the deposed dictator, GQ revealed that Saddam Hussein was fed Cheetos as a snack, but one day they ran out, so he was given Doritos instead. He loved the corn chips, and refused to go back to Cheetos. “He’d eat a family size bag of Doritos in 10 minutes,” according to one guard.

Dictators and Doritos. Yummy.

2005-06-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

From Page Six:

WHICH blond stud, nicknamed the "Butterscotch Stallion," has a perverse sexual bent? He recently picked up a girl at a wedding and the two went back to his hotel room. When the woman asked if he had a condom, the actor replied: "I don't want to have sex with you, but I do want to do something else" — and proceeded to lick her buttocks for "over two hours."

Real nice, Owen.

2005-06-20T17:26:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. But this will help make up for it:

Via defamer (and originally from Gatecrasher, but mysteriously not on their site):

So here’s what I’m hearing about that relationship.
A source VERY close to the deal is saying there’s a contract.
It’s worth $5 million.
It’s for five years.
There will be no sex.
The deal was sealed June 7.
That’s what I’m hearing.

See, I told you.

2005-06-11T12:19:00.000-05:00

From Gatecrasher:

Which recently engaged starlet slept with her last film's co-star before and after he was married?

Um, I thought it was supposed to be slightly challenging to discern the subject of a blind item. Why doesn't he just write PARIS HILTON was banging CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY constantly, even after he married the frigid Kappa?

2005-06-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

From Conversations About Famous People:

Hot news. Just received an email from someone who worked on the set of Saturday Night Live. Hush hush. Lindsay Lohan was so strung out on hardcore drugs during the taping of the show, that the producer arranged for an intervention to take place after the taping.In case you are living under a rock and have not seen the recent photos of Lindsay, she is looking like the skeletons from Pirates of the Caribbean. She favors the crack-coke variety of drugs and is completely out of control. Her erratic behavior makes it obvious to anyone around her that her addiction is a huge, life threatening problem. She is one step away from shooting up between her toes and holding up a 7-11 for cash.The intervention was nixed at the last minute. Her own mother shot down the plan. Thanks Dina!

See, I've been telling you all along. If you live in LA county, you must love rock. It's a contractual obligation, just like Katie Holmes making out with Tom Cruise.

2005-06-08T18:04:00.000-05:00

From Popbitch:

1. Being Bobby Brown, starts end June: The couple's drugged-up ghetto lifestyle in full glare. One episode has Bobby describing how he helped his wife with her constipation, by inserting his fingers to massage it out. Whitney says, "When I told my girlfriends about it, they said 'That's real love, baby. That's real black love.'" Bobby then holds up four fingers and wiggles them in front of the camera.Preview:http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2005/Jun/08/exclusive_on_the_brown_low.wow

And now you can go cry.

2005-06-02T13:22:00.000-05:00

From popbitch:

Gruesome Twosome: Bam Margera and JessicaSimpson, according to Bam's Dad.

The new Federlines. This definitely explains her new oversized chic look.

2005-06-01T13:59:00.000-05:00

From Popbitch:

1. >> Hand to mouth <<
Learn to do the snowball
Snowballing is the sexual practice of returning the product of fellatio to the donor's mouth. For some weird reason, some escorts in Madrid offer this service to their clients by asking "Would you like a Beckham?"

I'm officially scarred now. But he's still sexy, in a very, very dirty way.

2. Which Hollywood actor's unlikely attempts to seduce an older co-star may be the result of a recent appetite for crystal meth?

Now, let me remind you of some unsettling gossip from a few weeks back, when it was widely reported that a certain dirty leprechaun tried to bang his elderly costar...discuss.

2005-05-31T23:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back, bitches. New York was fabulous, of course. Saw the near-midget Spike Lee at the Yankees/Sox game (the first one; the good one), and the only thing that was at all interesting about the encounter was actually seeing the size of his fucking glasses. I'm amazed his tiny neck has not snapped yet.

Anyway, it feels damned good to be home. Watch this.

2005-05-25T17:12:00.000-05:00

I'm getting the hell out of dodge (at least until Tuesday), so no updates until then. Make like Jessica Simpson and go cry into your Us Weekly.

Here, since I'm a giver, a small morsel to tide you over.

2005-05-25T16:57:00.000-05:00

Via defamer:

Please do not pet the Cruise.

2005-05-24T10:19:00.000-05:00

From gawker:

THE SPICE GIRLS REUNITE. [...] Even Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell has signed on for their reunion tour, agreeing to eat just enough so that Posh Spice Victoria Beckham remains “the skinny one.” While the girls aren’t developing any new material (they’ll make enough off of rehashing their old stuff to pay off those nasty credit cards), a “best of” album is in the works, meaning that a whole new generation of young girls will learn the joys of zig-a-zag-ah. Is it just me, or is the sun suddenly shining a bit more brightly?

I am embarassed to admit that I'm the teensiest bit excited about this sign of the apocalypse. Shut up, you know all the words too.

2005-05-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

From Gatecrasher:

Just last week, the Daily News' Lloyd Grove told you that Longoria was spotted keeping company with "Star Wars" stud Hayden Christensen at Cannes.
(I'm sure he was a complete gentleman with her. Trust me.)

See, I told you. Anakin Skywalker really is Kevin Spacey's gimp. It's okay, go ahead and cry into your pocket protector.

2005-05-20T08:39:00.000-05:00

From MSN Gossip:

Nicole Richie's frail frame is all over the covers of Us Weekly ("Extreme Diets"), In Touch ("Scary Thin") and the Star ("Scary Skinny") this week, but her dad Lionel maintains she's doing just ducky. "She's fine, I can vouch for that," he tells the Insider. "She does exactly what her father does: When the pressure's on, I don't eat and Nicole Richie is just not eating."

Lionel teaches his daughter all kinds of good habits, like anorexia and heroin.

2005-05-19T12:18:00.000-05:00

From Popbitch:

Gruesome Twosome: Kevin Spacey leading HaydenChristensen by the hand around the VIP area ofthe Star Wars party in Cannes.

Is Hayden reprising his Life as a House role in search of a part? Because I definitely just read he was banging revolving-door Eva Longoria...

2005-05-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

Sheer. Fucking. Genius.

2005-05-17T17:03:00.000-05:00

Yeah. That's Lindsay Lohan.

Twenty bucks says she has a little bout of "exhaustion" within the month.
Schadenfreude at its finest, folks.

2005-05-17T00:15:00.000-05:00

First of all, a big-ass disclaimer. This is really and truly wrong. And that's why it's so really and truly right for this website.
Enjoy, if you wish.

2005-05-16T23:58:00.000-05:00

Via defamer:

FOX DOES MORE TIME WITH “ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT” ORDERING A FULL THIRD SEASON
FOX gets ARRESTED again. The network has ordered a third full season of the Emmy Award-winning comedyseries ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, it was announced today by Peter Liguori, President, Entertainment for FoxBroadcasting Company.
“ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is one of the best comedies on television. The decision to order another seasonbecomes easy when you consider its amazing cast, creative brilliance, critical acclaim and advertiser appeal,” said Liguori. “It’s my first official pick-up since taking the job, and I think it’s a great way to start.”

So there is a God!

More evidence? Look no further. Today was a banner Monday.

2005-05-15T21:44:00.000-05:00

From MSN:

"I'm definitely stressed out," said Chappelle, who took off last month to South Africa for a "spiritual retreat," leaving his fans — and even his agent and publicist — wondering where he went.
"You hear so many voices jockeying for position in your mind that you want to make sure that you hear your own voice,"

The headline of this story is "Dave Chappelle Says He's Not Crazy."
His publicist is probably lying dead in the office bathroom right now.

Is one of those voices Rick James? Because that would explain a lot.

2005-05-11T22:56:00.000-05:00

Headlines like this (and the fact that they're usually the first to post the latest American Idol reject) are the only things that make msnbc.com worth suffering.

2005-05-11T17:57:00.000-05:00

2005-05-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

The fact that the living dead duo pictured above are directly responsible for much of modern fashion almost completely explains this:

2005-05-11T17:51:00.000-05:00

More reasons people are shitty dressers.
These are fashion designers, people. Christ.

2005-05-11T17:49:00.000-05:00

A fantastic hump day treat.

2005-05-09T22:26:00.000-05:00

From ET Online:

ET has confirmed that Oscar®-winning actress RENEE ZELLWEGER and country star KENNY CHESNEY have tied the knot! The surprising couple were married on Monday on the beautiful island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, where the singer has a home. In a short, 15-minute ceremony performed by a female preacher in front of a small group of family and friends, the bride wore CAROLINA HERRERA, one of her favorite designers, while the groom was reportedly barefoot. Both laughed and cried during the ceremony.
The happy couple met at the Concert of Hope tsunami relief effort on January 15 and maintained a quiet friendship that quickly blossomed. Fans first learned of their romance when Renée reportedly brought a margarita up on stage to Kenny during his show in Jacksonville, FL. They were said to have shared an onstage kiss, and were later spotted three days later having Chinese food at a restaurant near his hometown of Franklin, TN. Renée is a bit of a country girl herself, hailing from Katy, TX. In an interview, Kenny once said he thought Renée was sexy.
The marriage is a first for both stars, although the 37-year-old Kenny reportedly broke off an engagement to another woman in 1999, three weeks before the wedding. Prior to marrying Kenny, Renée dated WHITE STRIPES singer JACK WHITE and her 'Me, Myself & Irene' co-star JIM CARREY. A spokesperson for Renée had no comment about the proceedings.
There won't be much of a honeymoon for the celeb couple -- Chesney's next concert is Thursday night in Little Rock, AR.

What the fuck? The awkward, drawn-out they're-just-friends dance that is the PR denial is slowly dying! What the fuck purpose does People magazine serve now?
[Sob.]

2005-05-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

Why?
It pains me to type this, but I think she was actually better before. (shudder)

2005-05-06T20:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, you've probably seen it already. But it's still really fucking funny.

2005-05-05T08:20:00.000-05:00

From gawker:

Boomerang Nation: How to Survive Living with Your Parents a Second Time Around

There is a book by this title coming out. No, really. I promise.

2005-05-05T08:09:00.000-05:00

From defamer:

[Star] quotes an insider at the luxury Alfajari Villas beach resort as saying the couple’s loud lovemaking “sounded like a wounded animal, like someone being killed!” According to Star, “worried guards grabbed their weapons,” rushed to Pitt and Jolie’s suite and “hammered furiously on the door with their clubs.” Suddenly, the screams stopped, and Pitt’s voice was heard from inside the $2,000-a-night villa. “Everything is cool guys,” he supposedly said. “You can leave — we’re OK.” Star reports it found an entry in the Alfajari’s “disturbance log” at 2 a.m. on April 20. “People here have great respect for men with sexual prowess who keep their women pleased,” the mag quotes an “onlooker.” Even better, “another local” relates, “Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion.”
We can almost hear the publicists putting on their best “African” accents and preparing to call up Star:
“OK, I’m the onlooker, and you’re ‘another local.’ Got it?”
“But you always get to be the onlooker!”
“That’s because you work for me. Just make sure you throw in something about lions. ‘Lions’ say Africa. And fucking.”
“Got it. Lions. Can I roar?”
“No! And whatever you do, nothing about juju herbs. Someone used that for Britney’s pregnancy last week, and that shit sounds totally fake.”
“I think I can make the herbs work.”
“No herbs! I mean it this time! I’ll bust you back onto the Cox-Arquette beat so fast you won’t know what fucking hit you.”

I think I need to just suck it up, say screw law school, and go be a publicist.

2005-05-03T19:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen Death Becomes Her? You know that part at the end where one of the living dead crones cries at Bruce Willis's funeral and her spray paint skin runs? Yeah.

2005-05-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

From Craigslist (yes, again):

Kittens need a home!
We were born on Valentine's Day, and long to fill your house with cuddles and companionship. Four calico beauties, each with distinctive markings and personalities seek safe, loving home. We're socialized and housebroken, and can be adopted in pairs or seperately. Please consider adding us to your family, as our household was unprepared for our mom's promiscuity.

Sorry to do a Craigslist repeat, but Page Six isn't working. Blame Rupert Murdoch, not me. Rupert Murdoch and the "promiscuous" cats.